Getting Kids To Listen
The following article was contributed By Elizabeth Pantley (2000), author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting
One of the hardest parts of parenting is getting our kids to listen to us, and then, of course, getting them to do what we ask! If you remember to use a few important skills this job will be much easier for you.
Think before you speak
You tell your daughter it's time to leave, then take twenty more minutes to get yourself ready. You ask your kids to clean up the family room, then allow the mess to remain for the night. You threaten to cancel your child's party if he sasses you again. He does, but you don't. All these scenes create kids who have "selective hearing." Instead, take a minute to think before you issue a command, be specific, and your words will become more accurate and meaningful.
Be very specific
Don't "hint" at what you want your child to do: "It would be nice if you... " or "Don't you think you should..' Don't make an incomplete request: "Soon you'll have to get ready to go." Don't be vague: "You know better than that..." Instead, be clear and specific. State your requests in a way that will not be misunderstood "Please put your shoes and coat on and get in the car " or "Please hang up your clothes and put your books on the shelf. " or "Sit here and use a quiet inside voice."
Control your emotions
When you lose your temper and raise your voice the logical result would be that your kids would pay closer attention to you. In fact, the opposite is often true! Kids often key in on your anger, but miss the point of your words. Studies show that most of our communication is conveyed through our presentation (body language, tone of voice, etc.). Kids will focus on your emotions, and dismiss your words. Instead keep your voice even and calm, and your words clear and specific to get better results. To do this, remember to think first, determine exactly what you want, and make your words convey a tone of authority.
Get up close and personal
While it's a whole lot easier to yell from two rooms away, it's much less effective. Children respond much, much better to a parent who is facing them eye-to-eye. In addition, when you are standing close by you can determine if your child is paying attention to you, without having to gauge the meaning of a few distant grunts. It takes a few extra minutes to get face to face, but will save you from getting angry as you repeat your request over and over again.
It will take practice to master these skills. Simply reading this article will not change your style. You will need to remind yourself of what you are trying to do, and keep your goals fresh in your mind. Its important to give yourself time to learn how to use these ideas, and to be kind and forgiving to yourself when you make mistakes. None of us are born knowing how to parent. It's a tough job, but with a few new skills and enough practice you'll be successful!
One of the hardest parts of parenting is getting our kids to listen to us, and then, of course, getting them to do what we ask! If you remember to use a few important skills this job will be much easier for you.
Think before you speak
You tell your daughter it's time to leave, then take twenty more minutes to get yourself ready. You ask your kids to clean up the family room, then allow the mess to remain for the night. You threaten to cancel your child's party if he sasses you again. He does, but you don't. All these scenes create kids who have "selective hearing." Instead, take a minute to think before you issue a command, be specific, and your words will become more accurate and meaningful.
Be very specific
Don't "hint" at what you want your child to do: "It would be nice if you... " or "Don't you think you should..' Don't make an incomplete request: "Soon you'll have to get ready to go." Don't be vague: "You know better than that..." Instead, be clear and specific. State your requests in a way that will not be misunderstood "Please put your shoes and coat on and get in the car " or "Please hang up your clothes and put your books on the shelf. " or "Sit here and use a quiet inside voice."
Control your emotions
When you lose your temper and raise your voice the logical result would be that your kids would pay closer attention to you. In fact, the opposite is often true! Kids often key in on your anger, but miss the point of your words. Studies show that most of our communication is conveyed through our presentation (body language, tone of voice, etc.). Kids will focus on your emotions, and dismiss your words. Instead keep your voice even and calm, and your words clear and specific to get better results. To do this, remember to think first, determine exactly what you want, and make your words convey a tone of authority.
Get up close and personal
While it's a whole lot easier to yell from two rooms away, it's much less effective. Children respond much, much better to a parent who is facing them eye-to-eye. In addition, when you are standing close by you can determine if your child is paying attention to you, without having to gauge the meaning of a few distant grunts. It takes a few extra minutes to get face to face, but will save you from getting angry as you repeat your request over and over again.
It will take practice to master these skills. Simply reading this article will not change your style. You will need to remind yourself of what you are trying to do, and keep your goals fresh in your mind. Its important to give yourself time to learn how to use these ideas, and to be kind and forgiving to yourself when you make mistakes. None of us are born knowing how to parent. It's a tough job, but with a few new skills and enough practice you'll be successful!
posted by Jonathan Ooi @ 1.2.06
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